


The Traumatizing of the Shield Hero.

by ThatDamnCat



Category: Corruption of Champions, 盾の勇者の成り上がり - アネコユサギ | Tate no Yuusha no Nariagari | The Rising of the Shield Hero - Aneko Yusagi
Genre: A fucking potato gun, Alchemy, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Aphrodisiacs, Crack, Depression, F/M, Genderbending, Genderswap, Growth, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Instability, Multi, Multiple Orgasms, Multiple Universes Colliding, Muscles, Original Character(s), Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Perversion, Potions, Raphtalia is dead, Sex, Sexual Humor, Shield bro needs a hug, Tentacles, Time Travel, Transformation, Trauma, Trolling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23563864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatDamnCat/pseuds/ThatDamnCat
Summary: Everything was going as usual cannon wise. This iteration of this shield hero was different, but mostly the same.The final fight happened. They were winning, right up until Medea pulled rank, and let her power loose. That last taunt from the shield hero pushed her over the edge. She ended up eating a large chunk of the world, and some of the people in it before fleeing. She taunted him, and left him in a crumbling world that young god struggled to hold together. Seething, frantic, he could only reach helpless for his former slave, now lover, and equal as she fell broken into a gaping wound in space.Eventually someone noticed the world he was desperately holding together was bleeding out. They couldn't help him directly. So instead they offered him a deal.Nov. 22/2020Heads up im going to be rewriting this from a slightly different approach. Tried to cram too much in at once. Going to try to make to turn this into some less cringey when I finally get a keyboard.
Relationships: Aultcray Merlomarc XXXII/Mirellia Q Merlomarc, Iwatani Naofumi/Original Male Character(s), Kitamura Motoyasu/Malty S Merlomarc
Kudos: 28





	1. I have the barest idea.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Corruption of Champions, and I don't own anything I decided to pull from its related mods. I do not own Tate no Yuusha. However, I do own any ideas, and characters that I have spawned for this story that are not references, or pulled from other sources.

A dark haired young man stood between the shelves of the fiction section of the library. Eyes greedily devouring page, after page in a desperate curiosity. Twilight would trickle through the windows unnoticed as the novel in his hands was devoured. Naofumi Iwatani was an otaku out of habit, and boredom. His family was well off. So there wasn't much pressure for him to attain a job, and attaining his business degree wasn't that difficult. So he had some free time to kill. But even otaku's had their limits. Standing hours for end, turning page after page without even noticing.. Without anyone noticing..

The book had called to him like a siren, _The Tale of the Four Heroes, Abridged_ during his weekly visit to the library. The words danced in front of his eyes, and in his head. As each section of the ornate hardback tells the story of each of the four 'Cardinal heroes', and the world they lived in.

Dimensional tears were opening up sporadically throughout the world. Waves of creatures that didn't originate from the world were flooding through with energy that saturated the land around it. The vitality of the land became empowered by this energy after each wave. Thus letting stronger invasive monsters through the dimensional tears each time. A game of whack a mole that never seemed to end… only with the moles trying to eat you.

Grandstanding politics, burning landscapes, the arrogance of the heroes, and monarchies played out to him. The brutal honesty, from the strange sarcastic scrawl of the text was oddly refreshing compared to the usual cookie cutter novels he found. The story wasn't a particularly flattering one for main characters. It humiliated them, and debased them from the gilded pedestals that most protagonists were put on. It was absolutely hilarious, and dark.

The hero of the spear was a homophobic 'lady killer'. His stories were mainly smut. When he wasn't with the other heroes, he apparently spent most of his time sticking his spear into anything he could find. Fittingly a picture of his aunt's dog going to town on the couch… his leg… anyone's leg.. Would worm its way into his mind.

Apparently he decided to fuck one of the monsters that came through. He ended up getting his soul sucked out by the succubus. Did this guy only think with his dick!?

The sword hero sounded like an antisocial emo. The lack of care she showed her companions led to her whole party being wiped out several times. Seriously was she an idiot?

She died by the former members of her parties that survived. The ones she abandoned, came back and killed her.

He particularly didn't like the bow hero. Honestly the little twat in his opinion need a good spanking, or a smack upside the head. His constant preaching about justice was cringe worthy. As he kept reading the destruction and collateral damage left in his wake from dealing out 'justice' was aggravating. He had no sense of politics, or how the economy worked. All he did was put an arrow in someone's skull.

The midget was crucified, a princess with red hair lighting the fire.

A couple pages later it turned out the princess was the main villain. He couldn't keep himself from cringing reading about how she played with them all. The only reason why the bow hero's story kept going after he 'died', is because she had him whisked away from the flames and kept as a play thing. …God damn the bitch was completely mental. _'What remains of his limbs she had severed. Bandages soaked in saltwater were tenderly replac-'_ Shuddering he quickly turned the pages not bothering with what came next. 

"Fucking hell.." Would be muttered out in the library, a passing librarian not even batting an eyelash at it as they finished closing. The dull yellow glow of the street lights dully illuminating the dark library through the windows. 

Even the spear hero's rutting wasn't nearly as fucked up.

With another last whisper of paper against paper he turned to the shield Hero's section of the book. Porn, it was filled with nothing but porn. Nothing but erotic male on male action. Spit would fly out of his mouth as the young man began to choke in surprise over seeing a minotaur plowing right into an Elf's ass.

Suddenly the book would be slammed shut by its reader. A trickle of blood dripping from the reader's nose onto the shut pages.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!?!"

Suddenly he realized the lights were off. There was no daylight coming from the window, and his phone was buzzing non-stop. Scrambling for the device, and tucking the book under an arm he could only gap at the time completely forgetting the porno. "It's.. THREE AM IN THE MORNING?!?!" Freaking out the young adult would frantically unlock his phone. Eight missed voicemails, a one-hundred and fifty some texts, and an email greeted the nerd. Most of them from his nagging father…

Crazy Old Bastard 3:41pm

Son where are you? It doesn’t take that long to get cabbage, and pick up some books!

Crazy Old Bastard 4:48pm

Thank you so much for making your ailing daddy go to the market by himself. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW AWKWARD IT WAS FOR ME YOU LITTLE SHIT!!

Crazy Old Bastard 4:56pm

Get your ass home I'm making dinner!

Crazy Old Bastard 5:23pm

Oi where you at Nao?

Crazy Old Bastard 6:11pm

Dinner is ready!

I made you favorite!

Get home soon so I can GIVE YOU A HEAPING HELPING OF PAIN. WHY AREN'T YOU MESSAGING ME BACK!?!? WHERE ARE YOU!?

Crazy Old Bastard 6:16pm

ARE YOU OUT WITH THAT ISAMU BITCH AGAIN. I KEEP TELLING THAT SHE'S A GOLD DIGGING WHORE. I DON'T APPROVE.

(Insert more parental ranting here.)

Crazy Old Bastard 6:21pm

Are you hanging out with that Ichigo thug again!? HE BLEACHED HIS HAIR I DON'T APPROVE.

(Insert more parental ranting here.)

Crazy Old Bastard 6:27pm

I mean yeah sure it's a shame what happened to their family. They're lucky that they all went on vacation before their entire town went up inflames from that freak gas line explosion.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

If you're going to be in a relationship with another man you need to find a better one! AND MOST OF ALL MAKE SURE TO USE A CONDOM!! YOUR COUS-

For the sake of his own sanity he quickly scrolled to the bottom. Doing his best to ignore the messages as they deteriorated into gibberish.. He really didn't want to read the entirety of his father's hormonal meltdown. Ever since that accident where he got emasculated, his father was a raving nutcase on the best of days.

Nervously he would look at the book under his arm. His mind raced, as he finally had a moment to reflect on everything. The realization of how much time passed slowly dawned onto the young man once he was done filtering out his father's hormonal insanity. He only grew more uneasy as he texted. His mundane brain was considering anything but the truth as he knew it to be as 'common sense' kicked in.

3:16am

Sorry Dad, I kinda passed out while reading at the library.

Crazy Old Bastard 3:17am

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS!!!?!!?

SDVWFAFDF

WERE YOU UP ALL LAST NIGHT AGAIN ON PORN HUB!?!!?

3:17am

IT WAS ONE TIME DAD!!

Crazy Old Bastard 3:17

ONE TIME IS ONE TIME TOO MANY. I DON'T APPROVE.

Could you call Grandma? She knows the library's director.

3:18am

I don't want to call the cops on myself.

Crazy Old Bastard 3:18 am

I DON'T APPROVE OF YOU.

I DON'T APPROVE OF YOUR SEARCH HISTORY EITHER.

3:19am

STAY OFF MY PC OLD MAN.

Crazy Old Bastard 3:19am

LOCK IT NEXT TIME.

' _Dad seems nuttier than n_ _ormaI. Still, I seriously couldn't have spent the entire day standing and reading this thing. If I did, why don't my feet hurt!?. I've been here since noon! No that's not right! I probably just past out, that's the only logical choice. I passed out while standing..'_

"That's right I couldn't have stood here for so long reading a stupid book.."

"Oh come you know you liked reading all my hard work. It's a shame you're such a prude though." The book would flap around under his arm. The voice emanating from its pages would be **_annoying_ **, and masculine. It broke frequently, and would have this garble to it like mucus in the back of the throat. Not quite along the lines of a neck beard, or like that of a stereotypical jock’s baritone. It’s like its sole purpose would be to annoy, confuse, and convince you to punch its owner in the face under normal circumstances. It was speaking English, and not Japanese. Thankfully he understood enough of it to get the jist. 

Spazzing the otaku would drop it before tumbling over onto the ground with a high pitched scream that would make small children look at him oddly. A faint string of swears would emanate from its pages. 

Upside down onto the ground the cover would twitch comically. "Okay, I wanted to try this whole talking book thing because I thought it was funny. You just had to ruin the moment. Kids these days…"

A long stream of shocked gibberish would fly out of the prone Naofumi.

"You're not much of a conversationalist are you? You seem to be a bit more of a pansy compared to your alternates. Messing with you is going to be fun." Naofumi would scramble backwards.

The book righted itself. Rustling and closing with a thump onto the ground properly. Suddenly it opened again.. The pages lurched, tore, and folded into teeth, and a long sinuous tongue emerged from the torn edges rustling and flailing in the air. Two pages would tear out on either side, crumbling into a pair of eyes. Another girly scream would rip itself out of Naofumi's throat.

"Hold on I got the sound effect here somewhere. " Suddenly a Godzilla roar would echo out from the arts and crafts horror. The animated pages flapping, paper teeth trembling under the vibrations. Weird shit, an unexplainable situation, plus the roar of one of the most powerful characters in classic Japanese pop-culture would suddenly send him into overdrive. Flight response kicked in as he screamed like a small child. The otaku would bolt. Scrambling into a 180 sprint from his position on the ground in a rush of adrenaline.

"...Dammit wrong one, I was told to fuck with him. Not traumatize him. Oh, here's the right one."

"COME HERE I'M GOING TO EAT YOU." An overly husky Scottish man's voice would rip itself out from the book. Cover flapping in propulsion with its tongue trailing behind it. It hopped after the fleeing nerd. It's teeth would fold inwards just before each thump of the closing hardback giving an almost lamprey like horror to the insane piece of literature.

Chasing him through the maze like Isles of the library. The otaku would dive into an adjacent isle as the book made way for his head in a lunge using a nearby stool to gain height advantage. "I'M BIGGER THAN YOU." The book would scream after him as it backtracked, and charged again.

' _WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!!?!?!? No no no, this is not happening!! I probably passed out again!_ ' Naofumi would scream internally, again trying to deny reality around him. ' _THIS HAS TO BE A FUCKING DREAM._ '

He would scream. The book would scream. "I'M HIGHER IN THE FOOD CHAIN!" The spazzing nerd would knock over shelves in an attempt to crush it. The hard back would dodge through the crashing maze of books right on the heels of it's victim. In one instance it completely chewed through an encyclopedia in mid-air, the shredded paper disappearing into its maw.

Naofumi would scream again -this time not nearly as self emasculating, but not by much-, seeing the cannibalistic book at work as he turned around a corner. Then he would trip over a potted plant ornamenting the end of the aisle. Opportunistically the book would claim his pants leg. Yelling in pain, as the completely mental work of fiction tore up his leg he would kick out with his other. Thumping to the floor the ravenous book would shred the fabric it attained into the depths of its pages.

Roaring like Godzilla again, the possessed literary work began to charge again.

The only sign to Naofumi's shocked, and addled brain that this was actually happening was the pain from his lower leg where a nasty series of paper cuts were carved into his calf. Pain, pain was a good motivator. He ran faster once he scrambled back upright. .

"GET IN MY BELLY!"

' _NOT A DREAM NOT A DREAM NOT A DREAM NOT A DREAM._ '

An idea would come to the terrorized Japanese man. He would scramble up the shelves of the nearest shelving unit, a fairly large triangular set of metal shelving used to display new books. The book would take a shoe in the process. Several more weeping red lines would be cut into the flesh of the same leg as before as he scrambled for the top of the case. The stinging sensation of pain would be drowned out by the adrenaline in his system as he hauled his ass up top.

The book would begin devouring the foot wear. It would be like watching an open blender, and a dog shaking a pillow to bursting combined as one in order to mutilate the sneaker. Naofumi inhaled oxygen, imitating fish out of water. Chest heaving, and body clenched, he would stare down at the rabid grade school arts and crafts project as it went to town. ..Right before it stopped moving entirely, and stared back up at him. It's beady paper eyes conveying WWAAYYY too much from an inanimate object for his liking. Well former inanimate object, and now homicidal literature.

Spewing out shredded shoe all over the floor before lunging at the bookcase, and slamming into it. Nothing would be achieved other than a loud thump. Naofumi still freaked out in shock, falling upside down in the metal display Instead of falling to his death in an attempt to get higher. It almost got his foot SECOND TIME. The unrefined metal innards supporting the structure cutting into him as he fell down. Right up until his ass and legs got caught into the top of things. 

The book would slam into the display again, not doing anything other than making the Otaku panic and scream in terror. "YOU'RE LUCKY WEE MAN."

Frantically circling the shelving unit, the insane literature would assail the triad display several more times. Before finally settling into a thumping, and maddening drum beat of his hard back against the wooden floors as it circled its trapped victim. "I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK RIBS! CCCCCHHHHHHHHIIIILLLLIIIIIIIII BABY BACK RIBS!"

Several minutes like this went by, the Otaku praying to ever higher power that he could think of as the book was stuck on repeat. Kami, Jesus Christ, Inari, Allah, Loki, Odin, Zeus, and even the disturbing power of 'UWU' furrys seemed to possess. None of his pleas were answered. Thankfully even though he was stuck, and in pain from sharp metal that was digging his sides and ass. The book didn't seem to be able to get to him. 

Given a reprieve for the time being, Naofumi's mind began focusing on other things besides trying to LIVE. Why had he gone to the library TODAY, of all days? Why did he just pick up the damn cabbage? His leg hurt. The sharp metal at the top of the case was making his ass and thighs hurt. 

Most of all what was running through his head was, ‘ _What the literal fuck is this thing!? Am I going to be stuck here?.. TRAPPED!?..’_

With an expression of dawning horror the nerd would come to a realization now that he didn’t have to worry about being maimed. “Oh shit this thing is going to EAT GRANDMA, AND HER BOYFRIEND WHEN THEY GET HERE!!” He really didn’t want to see his grandmother mutilated, into tiny ribbons. Images of the elderly woman who looked after him, and his literal brother while his father was in the hospital did not sit well with the frazzled otaku. It filled him with a sense of anger, and queasiness as his own frantic imagination turned against him. 

‘ _Wait.._ ’ Naofumi would look at the innards of the display. “So this thing can’t chew through metal..”

“It’s made of paper, there’s only so much reinforcement can do with materials given.” A tired male voice would softly exclaim next to the case. Naofumi would still, the book’s insane chanting, and thumping ceasing a moment after. The black haired young man couldn’t see much past the machine cut holes littering the metal around him. The light entering the windows from the streetlights was barely enough earlier for him to see and get around earlier. Trapped in this thing, he couldn’t even make out a shadow of which side the speaker was on. 

‘Common sense’ kicking in again, the young man would begin to yell loudly at the mysterious person to flee before the book gets him. Only to have his voice falter and die off midway. Yelling silently for a few moments, Naofumi would let out a _silent_ whimper once he realized no matter what noise he made it wouldn’t vocalize itself in the air around him.

“Aiden, I told you to test him not make him flee for his life. ”

“I wanted to do a trial by fire, but you said you wanted him alive.”

“...”

“And not maimed and in one piece?..”

“...Aiden…”

“He’s in once piece isn’t he?”

The other voice would sigh heavily.

“I’m in trouble aren’t I?”

A whirring and screeching noise would fill the air. “NO NO NO NNOOOOOO THIS IS A TRANSFIGURATION NOT A-” Whatever would be said next would be drowned out, and cut off as a pop of displaced air would fill the room. Soon followed by struggling machinery, screaming, and moaning?... Either way The dark haired otaku was a millisecond away from pissing himself. A half a minute of this would go by before a clunking sound would sound out from what ever machine was being used to torture the ‘book’ aka ‘Aiden’. With a resounding BOOM, and the sound of failing machinery the deafening noise would cease.

Sobbing, and whimpering would fill the library a moment later. Aiden’s voice, downtrodden, and pathetic would ring out painfully along with the scent of burnt metal, and plastic.. “Jeffrey.. Arnold… WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!?”

“When I’m down trying to fix this, I’m putting you in the box.” A green glow would start rising up from the floor. Swirling vine like tracery curling its way across the hardwood. Emerald light would surround everything engulfing it in a verdant haze.

“I DON’T WANT THE BOX.” Ever changing runes would trail up from the glowing two dimensional vines. Swaying like embers in a gentle breeze the would light up the dark chamber Naofumi was currently stuck in. 

“Then start acting normal.”

“THIS ISN’T NORMAL.”

“You’re definitely going in the box.”

“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.”

“I’m the adult here.”

“NEIN” Everything would suddenly go green, blindingly green, then white… Naofumi’s eyes would water under the sudden assault.  
  
“Aiden shut the fuck up already.”

“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO ANYTHING.”

“For god’s sake you fucking shark..”

“I AM MY OWN PER-” With a loud crack, and the sound of breaking bones underlying it the god forsaken annoying voice would finally cease. Whimpering however it would start up again in barely understandable English... “YOU FUCKER, YOU BROKE MY FUCKING JAW” Though in the nerd’s present state he couldn’t understand much. With overwhelmed senses, blood rushing to his head, pain radiating from a third of his body, surprise, fear, and the sheer amount of disturbing events taking place one after another he began to black out as a large strong hand pulled him out of the display by his thigh. 

Right before he passed out he would, through spotty vision he would be greeted by a dimly lit room that would hurt his eyes. A muscular lizard-like creature would be clutching to red small red clumps of deformed flesh to his chest. It would have a long narrow muzzle, and a dark blue mohawk. Where its legs would be.. along with its tail given the stump was a pile of ghastly red flesh, sinew, and bone shards. What can be seen through the blood and gore would be blue, and white scales, and a clearly mutilated leather jacket.

A clearly disgruntled dark skinned man would be several feet away from the ‘shark’ looking at him apologetically while leaning on a slender black cane adorned with a silver handle. Emerald eyes, like thriving plant life, would look at him apologetically. A mane of shaggy black hair would adorn his head. It would hang off of his head in a disastrous case of bed head that would pool around his shoulders. A hastily misbuttoned dress shirt would hang off of his too thin frame, along with a pair of boxers.

The last thing he would see would be a hulking red figure leering over at him out of the corner of his eye. Yeah, that was it. Naofumi promptly pissed himself, and passed out. His bladder control finally gave out, yellow would drip down his limp body. 

Immediately the skinny man would exclaim, “NOT CLEANING IT UP.” Right before bolting out of the room at a deceptive speed. 

The large red figure would look down at the bloody figure on the floor then grunt in dis-satisfaction. “Jef-” Said figure would immediately go flying through an ornate stained glass window via boot to non-existent ass. The colored glass fracturing, and tinkling through air in a mosaic of refracted afternoon sunlight as more screaming occurred. Soon followed up by swearing through the halls of the manor the soon to be shield hero found himself in. 

Quickly the red skinned demon would exit the sitting room to take care of their newly acquired charge. Coming in through the newly revealed garden, full of.. exotic plant life. A very pissed off woman would be heard screaming in such a profane, and derogatory manner that reality itself would reject her rage rendering it to garble. 


	2. All families are dysfunctional, some more than others.

Naofumi would be on cloud nine. It felt like he was being cradled in a cloud, smothered in soft fluff. Warmth would radiant around him constantly. Making a contented noise he would roll over, the fuzzy blankets piled on top of him gliding across his naked form as he moved. Instinctively he would wrap his arms up around the pillow under his head, and nuzzle it with a sigh. Everything was right with the word. Right up until his lower half finished rolling over, and the jolt of pleasure from a larger than normal morning wood slowly registered in his mind. It felt good, REALLLYYYY good.. Then the size difference clicked in the youngman’s mind. Fumbling, and rolling over he would lift the cover blankets.

Pecs, abs, lines, and definition in his skin would greet him where there should have been almost none in the lazy college student. Sleep fleeing from him, the man would throw the blankets from his body, exposing himself to the slight chill of the room. Ten inches of twitching thick cock, and a pair of oranges would greet him. He’d Stare, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” Naofumi was officially freaking out, but also aroused at the sight of his own body. He looked like a male model from porno. After several moments of exploring, and resisting the urge to fap.. He had a feeling that he wouldn’t be able to stop..

Taking his eyes, and mind from his dick, he’d realize the color of the walls was not the same as the one in his room. The walls were tinted a light beige, with sand like ripples waving across them in a pattern. The bed was queensized, piled high with a nest of blankets. There was only one window with wispy amber drapes flowing around the draft easing its way through the opened glass. Bars, there were obviously thick metal bars on that window. That was a glaring obvious sign that something was definitely wrong. The door was on the opposite side. It was nothing but a giant slab of featureless metal. There was also a buck bolted to a thickly carpeted floor in the corner. There was nothing else in the room.

“Where the fuck am I?..” As his freak out grew in proportions he began recall last ‘night’, his sleepy mind coming to a hazy realization. The book, the getting trapped, the voices, the screaming, and gore. Naofumi would curl into a ball with his dick going soft between his legs. The otaku would hyperventilate, breathing heavy as he rested his head between his knees. The ordeals he suffered hitting in full blast now that he didn’t have something immediate trying to maim, or kill him. He would sit there, on a bed wondering what the hell happened to himself, pondering about his life, and why the hell he was naked. He would sit there for over a couple hours. The shut in, was lost to the world. Despite his situation, he was lost to the world as he tried to resolve the fact that he was almost **killed**. The source of light coming through the window noticeably shifted into a brighter lumination over time. 

He recalled from last night an annoying voice that was referred to as ‘Aiden’. A dark skinned too thin male with eyes the color of a thriving greenery, and a giant demonic figure he barely made out. ‘ _I’m in hell aren’t I?_ ’ The human would sweat nervously, and look around the room. ‘ _Doesn’t exactly seem like it.._ ’

Warily he would leave the warmth of the bed after a moment of hesitation. The entire thing was radiating a comforting warmth despite the fact his body wasn’t trapped under the covers. He didn’t want to leave it. 

Slowly he would inch his way off of the bed, and begin to explore the room. The carpeting was plush. The sand like pattern on the wall was apparently from fabric holding thick padding into place. When he explored the bed, he found it was just one giant lump of memory foam heavily stitched and bolted to the floor. “Okay.. this feels like an insane asylum.” Intently he would stare at the doorway, prodding at the seam where smooth cold metal met the thick material coating the walls. 

Once his explorations yielded no results, and he got over the initial shock that most traumatic events inflicts upon a person. Naofumi would finally take stock of himself. For one thing he had been noticing a steadying rise in hunger. The light coming from the window was brighter, about what you would expect from the sun during noon time. He’d look down at himself. Whatever happened to him, whoever did this gave him an athletic build. He’d look like he had been lifting weights for a while. He definitely had some size and weight added to his frame. Muscle definition showed up on almost every part of his body, front, shoulders, thighs… He felt up his own ass. It was firm, he could feel the curving side dimples of finely toned large ass cheeks curving against his palms. Heat would rise to his face. Groping his own ass felt A LOT more erotic than it should, and it was bringing back his erection from earlier. 

He looked down between his legs, the hardening shaft would twitch up at him in greeting. It got harder under his gaze the longer he realized it was HIS. Without thinking of it he would grope his own as again making his cock lurch. He’d squeeze his hard buns even harder, slender fingers digging into plump muscular flesh. A soft moan would escape his lips becoming a husky call as he molested his own ass. The bisexual otaku forced himself to stop, but could seem to pull his hands away. A small dollop of pre would trickle from cock head. This felt too good. ‘ _What the literal fuck is wrong with me.. I’m trapped in a padded room, whatever the hell is going on is FUCKING REAL, and now I’M GETTING OFF ON MANHANDLING MY ASS. GROPING MY OWN ASS SHOULDN’T EVEN BE LIKE THIS!_ ’ The image of the looming red figure he could make out before would enter his mind. From the fuzzy image he could recall, the giant had a significantly large chest.. Big enough for him to get crushed by her tits at some point _’ AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SATAN’S PLAYTHING!?_ ’

“I DON’T WANT TO SPEND AN ETERNITY AS A MAN WHORE.”

‘Satan’ would suddenly open the smooth metal door. A large hulking eight foot plus frame of thick muscle that would put bodybuilders to shame with pillar-like legs, would squeeze in through the doorway awkwardly in a squatting position.. A white tee shirt would be strained across his incredibly muscular upper body, looking like it was about to give under the strain of two disproportionately large pectorals. A pair of basketball shorts would hang off of his waist, doing nothing to conceal the bulge in front. A surprisingly human face save for two short underbite fangs protruding out from his lips, and a set of horns, regarded the young man with a very grumpy, and irritable expression. 

Naofumi would stand there, paralyzed, cock twitching, and groping fingers dug deep into his own ass. The japanese native would scream in a very high pitched manner and scramble back into the corner comically trying to cover his oversized genitals. The most he would frantically accomplish is absolutely nothing. The red skinned behemoth sighed heavily before tossing a bundle of clothing onto the bed. “When you’re done freaking out, put that on. Aiden, and half of the people here would be on your ass if you ran around naked.” The demon would sit there, and squat patiently in a room not remotely made for someone of his stature. Resting an elbow on a knee, and his chin on a large fist the, the living wall of muscle would stare out the window Naofumi hadn’t yet bothered to look out of. An expanse of green forest would greet the giant. Naofumi would breath heavily from the corner, taking a moment to realize the ‘Satan’ wouldn’t be coming closer. 

“A-are yo-” The demon would sigh again heavily, drowning out his stuttering ramblings.

The thick, deep voice of the crimson titan would rumble out again. “No, I’m not the devil. I’m an Oni, and no i’m not going to fuck you. You’re in a freak out room so you don’t hurt yourself, or get into trouble. Yes, you’re in another world. Yes, I’ve done this before. Boss will explain more once I take you to him. In the mean time so long as you listen to me, and don’t do anything stupid no one’s going to do anything to you.” naofumi would freeze up. “You got about 5 minutes to get those clothes on, and get your head on straight before I lock you in here again for another couple hours. I have a lot of shit I have to deal with daily, and I’m not waiting on you.”

Taking a few minutes to process everything, and realizing slowly that he had no other choice. The now fit college student would carefully make his way over to the bed, and rifle through the bundle the Oni tossed onto the mattress. It looked exactly the same as his old track suit except bigger. There was also a jock strap? Naofumi would hold it up, and stare at the alien undergarment. Yeah sure, he fapped to a couple of guys wearing them while they got reamed, but he’s never worn one before. The oriental demon, as if on cue, not even really looking at him would speak. “As your nuts gain size, the length of time you can stand without discomfort gets shorter. Trust me, you’re gonna want to wear it, along with the cup. Getting kicked there is going to hurt more.” The otaku would nervously look up over his shoulder. “One and a half minutes.” He’d scramble to put it on, including the awkward metal ‘bowl’ which seemed to make his groin vanish, right before he was about to rip it off an exasperated voice would rumbling irritably. “Pocket dimension makes everything fit easier. Hurry the fuck up, you’re starting to piss me off.” And that would be all the motivation the fumbling shut in would need, as he moved at warp nine to put everything on. He REALLY did not want to piss off the larger male. He was absolutely fucking TERRIFYING enough as is. At the moment he was more concerned with his life that his dick be stuck through a portal. The later being still VERY MUCH on his mind..

Grunting, big, buff, and red would scoot out of the room, the top half of him vanishing as he stood up in the hallway. Naofumi would scurry after him, and take in the chaotic sights around him once over the threshold. It would look like a mix between, a castle, a modern home, and a church.. Only from several different time periods mismatched together, and alternating across the halls. Several doors of MANY varying designs littering it at random intervals. There was even a couple on the ceiling. It would be an interior designer’s nightmare. 

A large red hand with thick claw-like nails would be thrust out in front of him, making him jump back. “Byōki” The Disgruntled Oni would stare down at him intently. Having nothing to lose the human would take the hand, his own being smothered by the larger one. “...Iwatani, Naofumi” the smaller of the two would say. Releasing the other’s hand he would Byōki would lumber away, “Follow, if you don’t I am not held responsible if you get eaten, or molested..” 

He’d jogged to keep up with the giant, Byōki’s heavy strides far surpassing his own. “I’m surprised you haven’t noticed that you were speaking fluent english yet. Usually that’s one of the first things people notice.” Naofumi would stumble. “Wh-at?” Then with dawning realization, he would realize the sounds coming out of his mouth were different. He understood them, not like before when he was merely fumbling around when learning the language. No it was like he had been speaking it since day one. “Seems Anna is getting better with her brews if you haven’t even noticed. Sorry bud it just makes talking with you easier. Most things here don’t speak that many languages. Well, except the Boss.” Naofumi half paid attention to the giant, still trying to comprehend that he just spoke in an american accent. Well that is before he finally started getting fed up. 

“WHAT THE LITERAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?” The otaku would stop in the middle of the hallway. Not missing a beat the giant would sigh impatiently, and stop as well. Naofumi was fed up, for the past several hours -that he had been awake- it had been one thing after another, and he was seriously about to lose his damn mind. 

“..Short story, you were isekai-ed, it went badly, VERY badly, and the Boss gave you a re-do. I don’t have time for a long explanation right now. I’m smelling something. That means either someone is experimenting, and there’s an impending explosion, or something got out of its containment vat.” Without another word, the demon would pick up a flailing and yelling naofumi who was screaming in a mixture of japanese and american english. 

. . .

A pissed off japanese man was suddenly thrown through a set of double doors. With painful squeaking noises he would slide across gray linoleum until he impacted cabinetry head first with a yell. Loud thumping noises would quickly retreat away from the swinging double doors, along with a continous chant of ‘fuck’ followed up by, “GOD DAMMIT PEOPLE.” A miniature earthquake would shake the entire room, along with a resounding distant ‘boom’. 

Wincing, and holding his head which he just banged against the cabinetry a second time out of surprise. The thoroughly disturbed male would look around seeing a modern kitchen, done in grays, silvers, and blacks. A built, mouth watering hunk would be at the stove he just slid next to. Everything about him would be perfect. From his face, the long hair done up into a messy man bun, to the tank top, jeans, and apron. It would be like aphrodite decided to switch genders. 

Across the room next to a coffee maker would be the same dark skinned, and emerald eyed figure he saw last night casually sipping from a coffee mug labeled ‘Fuck You Dad’ with a laundry clip on his nose. He would be drowning in what looked like a black kimono, a silver handled cane resting against the counter next to him. 

Both would be staring at him. The hunk in surprise, the skinny one amusement. Just as he realized this, the smell would hit him. The room smelled like fish, more notably the man next to him smelled like week old dying fish. Turning green he’d scramble back, as the smelly one let out a depressed grumble, turning back to the stove. Naofumi would prop himself up on the counter, pulling himself up as he attempted to not to hurl. Then with a sharp crushing pain on his nose, the horrible odor would die down to tolerable levels. “Sorry about Jak, he has no control over his body odor.” Naofumi would jolted in shock, staring cross eyed at the lump of wood applied to his nose. Focusing beyond that, the living definition of frailty would be in front of him. This close to him he could make out a pair of small horns, and cat ears peeking through the disaster of black hair. However soon he made a mistake, and looked it in the eyes.

“If you lived here, eventually you’d get used to the insanity of everything.” Naofumi would stare like a deer caught in the headlights at the thin man leaning on a cane. Something wasn’t right. Every instinct of his was suddenly screaming at him, but he couldn’t move. The eyes, those slitted emerald orbs were the definition of madness that transcended itself into a serenity that shouldn’t be possible. He didn’t feel fear, but he felt panic. He was witnessing something he couldn’t put into words, and it was merely looking at him in mirth. The man would blink, and it would be gone ending naofumi’s existential crisis as a skeletal hand lifted a cup of coffee from the counter. 

“Speak.” Naofumi would tense up an odd compulsion coming over him. “.....What’s going on? Who are you? Th d- byoki said I hadbeenisekai-edand- an..” Words would pour out from him. At first they would have some coherency, but as his own being moved in compliancy not his own he began to panic. The words would jumble and mix, tangle over themselves until he was speaking nothing but gibberish.

“Stop talking” Naofumi’s jaw would snap shut of its own volition. “..We are obviously not going to get anywhere.You’re future self was much easier to talk to. At least he could resist a parlor trick used on the magically ignorant.” Slippers padding, and cane clicking the living toothpick would exit the kitchen into an adjacent dining room. “Follow” Trapped in his own body, the thoroughly traumatized youngman would scream inside of his own mind as his limbs were puppeted into moving with the other’s desires. 

“Jak stay in here for a couple hours if you can. It would help if the rest of them didn’t come screaming in here at some point.”

“KK” a Deep voice would reply, as the door to the dining area shut.

Setting his cup of coffee down at the head of a long ornate table, the man would flop down into an out of place recliner. “Sit.” Naofumi would obey. Pulling a vial from the depths of his kimono, the emerald eyed creature would roll it down the length of the table. The glassware would rattle almost to a complete stop in front of him. Glowing silver, and green liquid would radiate a soft glow would slosh around inside of it, making it rock back and forth in front of him. 

Lounging, and stretching out sideways across the chair the only other person in the group would issue another command. “Drink”

(Kinda cheesy, but cue Kakusei by Superfly. Just kinda fits.)

Internally screaming, Naofumi could only watch helplessly as his open body moved on its own. The liquid tasted, sour, bitter, and sweet all at once. It clung to his tongue as if it was fighting him. Sticking to his throat as if it was fighting tooth, and nail as each drop trickled into his mouth. He choked on it. It was as if someone bottled resentment, and kindness. Those emotions flooded him to his very core and tore him apart from the inside out. Anger, hate, a deep seated caring you tear itself into his heart. No it was returning, nestling back into place. 

Whether it was the effect of the mysterious liquid he would begin to hallucinate. Colors, flickering shield like shapes, a red haired woman laughing uproariously. Then it would hit him. Everything would hit him at once, memories flooding back into him. He would be caught in a delerium of hate. People would fly around him. The palace of his mind would break, and add onto itself as he REMEMBERED.

That bitch Myne.. Medea, 

..Raphtalia.. 

...everyone...

He’d scream in heartbreak, joy, and rage all of once. It felt like his soul was breaking into tiny pieces. Emotions would overwhelm him. Unbeknownst to Naofumi as he was more concerned with internal affairs at present. Glowing vine-like constructs of pure magic would be wrapped around him, trapping him to his seat, and preventing his flailing from hurting himself. The same silence from the library would be inflicted upon him. His cries of blasphemic hatred, sorrow, and love would be deafened to the world as he foamed at the mouth in a frenzy that would make the most radical religious zealot back away slowly.

About an hour later Naofumi would be slumped against his binds, hyperventilating in silence. The quiet of the room would be broken by heavy breathing a moment later. “...Asshole...” The shield hero would rasp. 

“I warned you it wouldn’t be pleasant.” a tired voice would respond to him. 

“Not like this!”

“Any blank spots?”

The shield hero would still, trying to force his breathing back into a normal state as he probed the recesses of his mind. “A few but it doesn’t feel important.”

“Be wary, tying together timelines like this is a spotty science for me.”

“You should have mentioned that earlier Arcanis!”

“I did, you wanted to stab a bitch.”

“I can’t stab anyone, remember!?” The younger of the two would grouse out. 

“Meh~” The smirking neko.. demon.. thing would smile softly while lazily curling in the chair. 

“Did it work?.”

“Mostly, as expected there were errors. Putting two shattered, slightly chewed on worlds back together after having them fused wasn’t isn’t something I want to do again. Some things will be different. The sword hero got absorbed. I’ve already picked a replacement you can make a quick ally of if you play your cards right. They’ve already been chucked into the other end of the summoning. The spear hero ended up more of a dumbass, it was the only way to resolve a logic error in his thought process. The delusional stick flinger ended up even crazier. You might have to off him at some point, or beat him over the head, and pray by chance he’ll stop being a little shit. Far as I know almost everything ended up roughly the same… I think...”

“You think!?”

“Can you repair entire realities while rewinding their dissolving timelines with complete accuracy?” The Soon to be hero would grunt in response.

“Medea?”

“Cast enough illusions, memory charms, and drugged her to the gills enough to make even Dionysus hallucinate. She doesn’t remember a thing. ...You do realize if either of us is caught I have a war of the gods on my hands, and you get turned into a bloody non-existential smear?”

“I remember that much.”

“I hope so, this isn’t like my younger days where I can go gallivanting around, and take a shit on the peak of Olympus for the hell of it.”

Several moments of silence would pass by. 

“Did you find her?..”

“Only what remained. I’m sorry, there is only so much I could do for Raphtalia. The skank mangled her soul. The most I can promise you is that your firstborn will have her blank slate. There just wasn’t enough left of what made her, ‘her’, to put back together into anything reasonably sane.” The frail man would have a somber expression as he stared up at the ceiling. 

A scream of pained emotions would tear itself from Naofumi’s throat. Tears would flow freely from his eyes as he cried. Despite the noise the entity wouldn’t silence it. Instead he would let it ring out. Naofumi would cry out his broken heart to the world. His rage would mix with his sorrow. Pooling, and distilling together they would form a gnawing icy sensation in his heart until he felt numb. “YOU SAID-”

“Naofumi would freeze entirely. It was like the same time when they first met. It was like a hand. A hand grasping him from all sides, every part of him. Even his more metaphysical sides felt like they were being grasped. “I said I would try, boy, I tried. I am not omni-potent, nor do I desire to be. There was simply not enough for even ME to work with. I can only theorize, and add so much to a fractured soul before it CEASES to be itself. What you would have had wouldn’t be her. It would have been nothing more than a living golem with a soul. The only thing I can give you is that existential spark at the center of her being.” 

Wobbling the being slowly extracted itself from the recliner, and stood on shaking feet using his cane, and the table edge to stabilize himself. “The most I can buy you is 20 more minutes at this point. With how their summoning magic works, and how my methods of travel work, any more distortions, and variations Medea may grow curios so you need to hurry up and calm the fuck own.” The shieldless hero gritted, and gnashed his teeth at the cripple as they worked their way over to him. Right up until he got clubbed over the head with a cane until he was more focused on the throbbing in his skull than his building anger. It would last for over a minute, but that would all he’d need to snap out of it while blazing green eyes bore into him intently. 

A quick application of a frail glowing hand relieved most of the pain in his head. “Now that you are somewhat more reasonable, _Wanderer_ .” A pair of flicker green flames would regard him. The eyes would bore into him, madness, and all. This time it wouldn’t affect him. He knew it wasn’t madness, but neither could he define it further. The knowledge he gained from between realms letting him understand this much of the thing in front of him. Either way it greatly unnerved him as the _grip_ on his being abbated.. 

“We need to hurry this up, we’re both pushing it.” A glowing hand would be applied again to his person, a slender arm worming its way past dissolving magic binding him. “I’m sealing your ability to tap in the energy of planes and the knowledge of how to. Any slip ups on your part can give away this ruse VERY quickly. I’m going to be sending some cheat codes, and items with you for your shield. Most I would not recommend putting into your shield except that lust draft, and minotaur blood. Products from Mareth tend to involve too much fucking that they fuck up everything.”

“Why are you giving me this crap!? And WHY IS EVERYTHING HERE PERVERTED.” The hero would finally take note of the artwork littering the dining room, and the rest of the decorum. Most of the artwork involving their subjects being in the nude, while posing suggestively. Everything else involved tentacle dicks.. 

“Aphrodisiacs disable opponents, and you can’t really attack people for one. As for the latter, I’m a pervert.” The Wandering ‘god’ wouldn’t not know how to respond to that. 

“Muscle-tits apparently gave you some body enhancements. I don’t have time to look at them, just expect to be more physically capable than a normal human, and be glad whatever else he did to you isn’t bulging out from your chest. He has an unhealthy fetish for oversized chest muscles. Other than that I can only send Aiden with you as a distraction.” He would recall the man eating book.

“WAIT, YOU'RE SENDING THE PSYCHOPATH WITH ME!?”

“Aiden is chaos incarnate, hard to kill, and causes so much shit the idiotic godling will be too busy laughing her ass off to bother with anything other than watching him. Besides, ever since that time he got drunk, and went vampire hunting he’s had a thing for burning down churches. Especially the ones that involve fanatical religious sects.. That I know you’ll appreciate.” He couldn’t help but agree with the living skeleton. It would be nice to see that church burn.. Naofumi would grin evilly.. The other Grinning with him even more savagely than the shield hero could muster. 

Arcanis’s expression would turn troubled. “..I never should have let an impulsive sadomasochist, a suicidal priest, and a sadistic immoral vampire in the same room with a surplus of weed, let alone in the same city…” A very large sweat drop would form on Naofumi as he listened, the moment completely ruined now. Glowing, ever shifting verdant embers would rise up around him. “..I think he traumatized the vampire…”

He had an idea of who was being referred to. He didn’t want the shark to come with him anymore. He wanted him as far away as possible. He really did not want help from someone that could traumatize ALUCARD of all fucking things. Before he could protest, his sponsor was already tossing him out the door.

“Anyway, off you go. I’ll try to send someone else later. Make sure to cry out with your magic when you’re casting in a tight spot.” 

“Wa-” Everything would go green, then white, and pale blue as the shield hero found himself dumped on his ass.. Right back at the beginning of it all. The same circle, the same cave, the same group of magic users. “We did it! The summoning was a success!” The heroic otaku would groan, both in pain, and a disturbing sensation of pleasure from his ass. ‘ _I’m already regretting making that deal.. At least I get another chance to stab that bitch._ ’ The hero would look down at his arm. ‘GOD DAMMIT.’

. . .

In the meantime, beyond the confines of his status magic, his shield, and traditional understandings. A certain ball of green light would be bobbing around. 

[Foreign influence detected… Interesting.. Initiating system update..]

[It seems the Father of Magic has taken interest in this world… I don’t know whether to be thankful, or find somewhere else to live. ...Why did he have to choose the shield hero?... ]

Despite its' worry, thes spirit was having a field day. It would shimmer as it began to sift through everything that was sent to it through. Time had no meaning on its level of existence. What would have taken it days down in the corporeal world, took it moments in comparison.

. . .

The image of a brown haired tanuki girl would fill his mind, his eyes would water. Sorrow would flood his heart. Soon followed by anger… ‘ _Medea.._ ’ Without a mad man with a cane present, his rage, and sorrow would mix again. 

“O brave heroes please save our world!” A gaunt priest would exclaim ploringly. The standard rosary of three heroes church swinging freely from his neck as he stepped forward. 

Ice would run through his veins, a bitter chill of all consuming hate, and apathy. A drowning cold as fire was drowned with tears. 

[Blessing of Arcanis in effect.]

[Clear mind status has been inflicted! Duration, 72 hours!] A countdown appeared in the corner of his eye, slowly ticking down.

[Error 404: Potato gun shield, unlocked.]

[Error 404: Metamorph shield, unlocked forcefully.]

[Error 404: Ghost shield, unlocked forcefully for 72 hours.] Another timer would appear in the corner of his vision..

[Shop shield, variant unlocked; Giacomo’s Interdimensional Emporium is now accessible. Please read the disclaimer.]

[Cursed Series: Shield of lust II, variant unlocked; You’re sexy and you know it.] 

‘ _The fuck!?_ ’

[Cursed Series: Shield of wrath II, variant unlocked; Cold, cold against the world. Lovely desolation is it not? The march of white misery in a field of corpses.]

‘ _..._ ’


	3. Setting canon on fire, I dare say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Furries, they make an interesting porn, when it doesn’t want to make you throw up... Hell I’m kinda one myself, though I’m more on the ‘neko’ side of things. Either way they can be quite disturbing. Especially this one. 
> 
> Also canon wise the heroes are supposed to only be able to use status magic from what I recall. Yeah… Not happening here. Status magic, status magic for everyone. Numbers, numbers everywhere, that overly simplify things via quantification, and makes every SAO fan’s wet dream become a reality. 
> 
> Honestly, I’m tempted to go back, and re-do Ren, and stick kirito in here. He’s.. white bread. Kirito is plain white bread that I want to toast, smear honey on, and traumative via bee girls for the sake of comedy. He has almost no significant personality traits to him. For those of you that don’t get the reference… try to find COC. Unless you’re a kid, then don’t. Which means you shouldn't be reading this anyway.

[Error 404: Skill gained! Spirit talk: Don’t talk out loud, people will think you’re crazy.] 

[Iron bracer unlocked!]

[Banker shield unlocked! One silver ingot is available, would you like to convert to currency?]

[YES/NO]

[Inventory function is now available due to items present within the shield!]

[...Well this is new..]

Naofumi would blink, notification after notification blocking his vision as his status magic went ballistic. ‘ _Error 404? Are these supposed to be the cheat codes?!!? And what’s a variant?_ ’ Shield bro however wouldn’t get much time to ponder over what the hell is going on with his shield, or what all of these ‘cheats’ apparently did. Though he was starting to get a glaring obvious idea of what the last one did.. 

He immediately hit [YES], receiving 7 gold. ‘ _...I really don’t know how to feel about this._ ’

“Huh?” A black haired boy would say, sprawled out on his side as he began to haul his ass up off the ground. The rest of them would follow suit, right up until the Spear hero was plowed over by a half naked anthropomorphic shark, screaming at the top of his lungs as he raced out of a more shadowed part of the summoning area on his hands. His lower half would be infantile, swinging, and dragging against the ground in nothing save a diaper. 

“FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEDDDDDDOOOMMMMM!!!!! He’d bowl right over the gapping priests who were so focused on the heroes that they failed to notice his presence. They soon regretted it. All of them, save one of the priests, were laid flat by the more physically powerful, and physically awkward Aiden. “HOT DAMN I’M OUT OF THE BOX!” Gleefully cackling the shark would take off out of sight. Screaming, much screaming, and pandemonium would follow suit as he tore his way through the castle. 

Silence, there would be stunned silence, and a lot of groaning. Especially from the lady chaser. Itsuki would blink, “What the hell just happened?”

‘ _That’s supposed to be my help.. I’m even more screwed than last time_!’

“Ugh.. ” The spear hero extracted himself from the floor a second time. This time nursing a bloody and broken nose. 

“...I think something got caught up in the summoning.” The only standing priest was staring off in the direction where the creature ran off while casting healing magic on his fellows out of reflex. Really there was only one exit to this place, but the sight of a demi-human with the lower half of an infant screaming nonsense was hard to get a hold of. 

‘ _Definitely screwed.. Fuck it, it beats listening to the same bullshit over again. I might as well roll with it. I’m going to be blamed either way.’_

“So.. who here has a fetish that they’re not willing to discuss in public?” He just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Itsuki would look at him incredulously. Motoyasu would glare while pinching his nose. Ren, if that even was their name, slowly turned their head to look at them.

“How do we know it didn’t come here with you?” Itsuki would narrow his eyes. ‘ _And there he goes.. Playing who’s to blame?_ ’

“I don’t know, sure nekos are cute, who doesn’t like pussy? But a giant fish on legs is another thing. So unless you like sushi you might want to stop trying to blame someone else.” Motoyasu would nod his head sagely in agreement with the Shield hero. ‘

Itsuki would sputter, heat creeping into his cheeks. 

“Same could be said about you.” Ren would stare with familiar, blank edgelord intensity. 

“Same could be said now that you’re pointing fingers at me.”

“...”

“How could you tell it was a fish? It looked more like a lizard.” The spear hero’s nasally voice would ring out as the priests applied healing magic to their beloved hero. The sound of clanking armor, and distress would still be going on in the upper levels, though it would now be gaining distance. 

“It had gills.”

“Ahh….”

The steaming bow hero would finally recollect himself, gearing up for his little crusade right before the head priest, who was finally back on his feet, cut him off. “Our heros.. It may be best for us to wait here for the time being…” He would be dropping an not so subtle accusatory glare at the shield hero. Itsuki would seem to take this as ‘confirmation’. “Whatever it may be, it would be wise to let the guards eliminate it first, or for an escort to appear. My brethren, and I are not well versed in offensive magic.”

“Well, we’re heroes aren't we? Let's just kill it.” Motoyasu would blurt out.

“We’re level one, and that thing plowed you over like it was nothing.” Ren would state flatly.

“Eh? Level one?”

“Focus on the lower right corner of your vision.” 

Motoyasu would do so, and would look pretty embarrassed afterwards..

“Seriously how do we know it didn’t come in from your end!?” Itsuki’s growing irritation would finally burst. Blushing like a school boy he would glare at Naofumi. Then it would come together in the Otaku hero’s head. ‘ _Wait is he?.. Oh dear god this is rich. I didn’t realize Mr. ‘Justice’ was into that sort of thing. ...This explains so much when I found him at the arena._ ’ The image of Itsuki in his mostly mindless state in the arena waiting area would come to his head.. Only it was the one for the slaves, the majority of them being ‘beastmen’ or anthropomorphic demi-humans. Most of them having been stripped naked. Itsuki would be standing among them out of place, staring at them. ‘Yeah…’ Internally Naofumi would be grinning like a thug. ‘ _Even if he doesn’t remember anything I'm going to enjoy getting some ‘payback’._ ’

“You got Proof?” 

“I can-”

“No you don’t, and you don’t have proof that it didn’t come through with you. None of us have proof of anything.”

Itsuki would be close to foaming at the mouth while Ren watched in amusement, and Motoyasu looked back, and forth in slight confusion like he didn’t fully understand what was going on.

“If anything that blush on your face can be taken as a sign of guilt, and shame.” 

“Dear heroes” One of the priests would finally butt, glancing at Naofumi. “I believe it would be best if you didn’t point fingers at each other over this incident. It is not a common occurrence but, things that are unintended, or _extra-_ ” The priest would again glance at Naofumi. 

‘ _Eat shit asshole._ ’ 

“-Tend to get caught up in summoning magic from time to time. No one knows why it happens, but it does occur without any warning, and is outside the caster’s control over it. It will be dealt with shortly.” As if the divine god of comedy were observing this moment in time, a loud explosion would cause the earth to shake. Not enough to knock anyone over, but enough to make some of the priests begin to sweat.

“What the fuck was that?” The spear hero asked.

“Sir Spear hero, please do n-not worry about it. W-whatever it is, it’s nothing that the palace, and city-” Another explosion would sound off, this time it would merely cause the room to vibrate in the middle of the head priest's reassurance.

“Mandalok!” An elderly man in gold, and white robes authoritatively marched into the room with a squad of knights, with the emblem of the three heroes' church on their breast plates, in his wake. He would have a slightly disheveled appearance. His hair would have strands sticking out of place in the slicked back comb over it was done up in, and his very expensive robes would be crumbled, and dirt stained. 

“Your Holiness-”

“Never mind that!” The grouchy ‘holiness’ would exclaim. With a very constipated expression he would turn his head towards the heroes. “I am the Pope of the three heroes church, the national religion of the kingdom of Melromarc. I have come to personally escort you to the king in light of the present situation.” Naofumi could tell he was trying his best to not glare at him openly. Internally right now he was filled with petty elation. Biscas looked like looked like he got mugged in an alley, and the hat he wore normally was gone to reveal a comb over. If you look at his face the right way there were two large hand prints on both sides of his face like he’d been bitch slapped. Healing magic did not always fix everything in its entirety. A little bit of redness being left over was normal usually. 

‘ _Dear god.. What the fuck did Aiden do in such a short time period!?_ _It has been JUST OVER HALF AN HOUR SINCE WE GOT HERE!! I can’t laugh.. Seriously, I can’t laugh at this. These idiots are already going to blame me for this, and laughing will just make them come at me faster.’_

“Please follow me, and stay within the formation of the knights”

“Righty-O.” The gigolo would say enthusiastically, already falling in line behind the church of assholes, and freezing as the pope turned around. The spear hero would break out into a fit of laughter. The rest of the heroes would still once they laid on the man’s back. Ren would choke on his own spit, Motoyasu would be wheezing, Itsuki wouldn’t get the reference, and the pettiest of them all would be chuckling like a villain from a cartoon. For on the back of the Pope’s robes would be written in hurried script, in English- 

‘The holy pope hole, 

hear me speak.

For my whispers,

reveal the dirty insides of man.

I speak only but the truth.

~Amen’

The Pope whirled around to see two laughing heroes, one trying to laugh, but in shock, and a completely confused young man. Veins bulging as his objects of worship and excuses to commit atrocities mocked him, he would _calmly_ inquire, “I take it you four understand this heretical scribal!?”

Itsuki, poor, and confused Itsuki would open his mouth. “The holy Pope hole, hear me speak. For my whispers, reveal the dirty insides of man. I speak only but the truth. Amen. Is what it says, but I’m not sure why they're laughing. I mean.. I understand what it’s saying, but I don’t find it funny.” The religious sect leader’s face would become red, an angry shade of scarlet that the only green eyed hero had to restrain himself from laughing at anymore than he had already, by biting both cheeks. ‘ _Okay I take it back, damn it all if I’m going to be fucked sideways. This do over is already starting to be worth it._ ’

“Honored. Heroes. Let us. Please. Attend to. The King’s. Summons.” The holy Pope hole strained itself greatly over its message. He was already forming plots to kill all of the heroes off. For right now it was just pleasant therapeutic thoughts. 

After a few moments of laughing, they began to make progress. Finally leaving the summoning chambers in the dungeons of the castle, they would make their way to the Queen’s throne room. The Pope hole would nod towards the heroes, before taking his leave, along with his group of knights once the heroes were safely among the royal guard. 

‘ _Trash seems frazzled._ ’

The King would immediately stand up, and march towards the heroes aggressively. “I am king Aultcry Melromarc XXXII of the Kingdom of Melromarc. You have been summoned to save this world from the impending disasters plaguing it.. And now I demand answers as to why the Shield hero HAS UNLEASHED THIS ABOMINATION RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CAPITAL.” 

‘ _If it isn’t broke don’t fix it…_ ’

“Do you have proof?”

“The shield hero is known to be worshiped by the demi-humans! And your summoning ritual was the only one approved of by the crown today. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION. Admit your guilt, your punishment will be lightened!” The crazy, old, and hateful king would start spewing off nonsense, letting his emotions cloud his judgement. Just like he had been doing for the past several decades. 

“So I take it means that you don’t have proof since you want me to admit to a crime I theoretically committed, and that you have no evidence to say that I did. ...I really think you need to talk to someone..” Aultcry’s veins would bulge, a very contemptuous expression deepening the lines of his face significantly until he looked like a scrotum in Naofumi’s eyes. “Besides, according to the priests that summoned us it’s normal for ‘extras’ to sometimes slip into summoning magic.” Before the royal pain in the ass, and shield hero could go any further, Mr. Androgynous would come forward. At this moment, Naofumi would notice their ass. It was far bigger than what a man’s should be, only slimmed down by black pants, and hidden by the back of their coat. ‘ _That book from the library did say they were cross dressing. I wonder if they’re transgender. ...Is that supposed to be how I get them as an ally!?_ ’ 

“-This seems highly unusual for a monarch to accuse one of the heroes they called to save the world-”

“Technically he’s not even really the ruler of the country.” Ren would fumble at Naofumi’s words, and the color would drain from the king’s face. Itsuki was bug eyed, and Motoyasu looked a little surprised but couldn't give much of a shit. 

“-Just when they got here.” The sword hero would turn an unreadable expression to Naofumi.

“I overheard it from a couple of guards. Apparently his wife is the head of the country, and he’s acting reagent most likely. He's going to be in deep shit for summoning all of us when he wasn’t supposed to do anything at all yet. Each of us was probably supposed to be summoned separately in different places.” Oh, he was having a FIELD DAY with this. Really he didn’t hear jack shit, he was just pulling it out of his ass. But by god was the risk worth it. 

“This doesn’t sound very fair for someone in charge of running a country to pull off..” Itsuki would talk out loud to himself.

“Heroes please! There is a reason why you all were summoned by us at once!”

“Then please explain why you summoned us against the wishes of your ruler.” Ren would bore into the trash king with growing anger. “You didn’t refute it.”

. . .

The king would think fast. “Sir hero, let me provide an explanation. The countries that were supposed to summon, and provide you the necessary resources to combat the waves would have taken advantage of you. The lineage of the heroes tend to yield extraordinary blood lines. Several of the shield heroes from Siltvelt have died from assassination attempts in the pasts after being used for breeding purposes. The kingdom of Faubley does the same, only instead of drowning their hero in whores they tend to tie them down with numerous seductions from young generations of their aristocracy. It firmly binds them to the upper echelon of their kingdom, and makes it impossible for them to leave without their children being held hostage.” The king would talk, working his way back to the throne to slump into it. In his mind he was doing fairly well so far, pulling this out of his ass at the last moment. A bit of truth here, a bit of fabrication there.. Based on the expressions of the bow, and spear heroes it was starting to work. The sword hero still seemed skeptical. The shield Hero though.. Damn him to hell. He may no longer be the man he once was, and he knew it on some level. Still he could tell he wasn’t anywhere close buying this. 

“Then couldn’t it be said that your country is also attempting the same thing, especially since you've summoned all four of us?” The king mistook where his opposition would come from. It was the sword hero that spoke against him. ‘ _God fucking dammit!_ ’

“The kingdom of Melromarc has no desire to use the heroes as breeders to empower its military.” ‘ _Dammit dammit dammit dammit. THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING!!_ ’ 

“I don’t really like that idea either.” Itsuki would stare intently at the king alongside the sword hero. 

“Oh come on, what’s the harm in it? Isn’t the hero supposed to get girls?” Everyone would collectively sweat drop at what just came out of the blond man whore. ‘ _...Why did I agree to this plan again?.._ ’ The king was starting to regret going along with the plans of the church. There wasn’t anyway out but down at this point.. Right into the arms of his beloved goddess of death.

Ren, would stare hatefully at Motoyasu. 

“The Kingdom has no goal to make any of the heroes procreate. In fact by Royal decree I declare that the heroes have the right to refuse ANYONE who makes advances towards their person, or displays interest in them. Any offspring that result from any.. Couplings are to be protected by the state, and not to be drafted into any of the armed forces of the kingdom.” It was blatantly obvious he was scrambling to salvage the situation, to do damage control. Any authority or respect he had (Which was none to begin with, but he didn’t know that.) in the eyes of the heroes had already evaporated.. And now he realized he mostly did it to himself. ‘ _Oh sweet Mirellia.. Please forgive me.. Or better yet, don’t._ ’ (The author has censored this part due to the age of the masochist involved in this. Please enjoy the lack of mental scarring, it probably won’t last.)

“Do you even have the authority to do that?” Itsuki would be in his ‘inquisition mode’.

“Yes, I am in charge of the kingdom in absence of my wife.” Everyone would eye him skeptically, including the guards close enough to overhear the conversation. 

. . .

‘ _Might as well go for it, this is a shot in the dark but, it might ruin Myne’s little plan. Besides even if this version of Motoyasu is homophobic, it’s not like I’m going to be on decent terms with him to begin with in the end either way with the bitch fucking with his head._

..Besides after raphtalia.. I’m not sure I want to find anyone else.’

“So just to clarify, we can refuse anyone?”

“Yes.” The king would direct hateful eyes towards him. He really didn’t have any choice but, to acknowledge the shield hero this time around.

“So I take it Melromarc doesn’t have a problem with homosexuality then?”

The room would be dead silent. If one were looking in the shadows of the pillars in the court, they would see a red headed young woman, gnashing her teeth and shredding a handkerchief with her delicate hands. The noise would be drowned out by the sheer size of the hall. Inaudible save to few of the guards who ignored her. 

“Wait you’re gay!?” Motoyasu would exclaim loudly, inching away from the shield hero.

“Shouldn’t that be obvious with what I just said?” The spear hero wore a disgusted expression.

‘ _Least I don’t stick my dick in anything that has a vagina._ ’

. . .

‘ _@%#(#(@$e &*(#&%!($@&*$@#*@$&%*@o&$@o!*&$*o@&#o*%&o*%&$#*@o*$&%#*% _’

‘ _MY PLANS.. MY FUCKING PLANS.. No, this can still be salvaged! I can still fulfill my side of the deal!_ ’

. . . 

This was not what King Aulcry Melromarc XXXII was expecting when he got up. This was not what he expected when he summoned the heroes. The former wise king was in mental turmoil. Several moments like this would go by. 

“I believe I did not catch your names.” It was the only thing he could come up with, hopefully it redirected the conversation back to where he was in control. He needed to gain control of the situation. 

. . .

…Despite the chaos it went _somewhat_ like it did last time. Naofumi was in heaven. He was in petty revenge heaven right now, and he was loving every minute of it. Raphtalia might- 

Ice would fill his veins, it would be like he was suddenly dumped into the arctic circle butt ass naked, and left there for a week. Depression, anger, loss, it would fill him, but despite this he could still think clearly. While the rest were blabbering away, and making their demands, with Itsuki being more subdued, and Motoyasu keeping his distance compared to last time. He would open up his status magic, and start sifting through everything. Because right now, right now something wasn’t right. He was FEELLING, but not feeling at the same time..

Then he found it.

[Clear Mind Status:

Duration: 70:05:36

A curse that causes the user to feel emotions, but never truly experience them. Often used on those suffering from extreme stress, or emotional trauma for medical or judicial reasons. The afflicted suffer an abrupt ‘backlash’ from a sudden flood of emotions once it wears off.]

‘ _So basically I’m going to go nuts once this wears off, fantastic.._ ’

. . .

While naofumi was in lala-land.

“Based on the sound of how currency works, wouldn’t it be better if we were to receive a larger sum the first time as a start up cost? We have no potions armor, or any support items. We can always sell our old equipment as we go along to cover the cost of more expensive gear along with any remains of the monsters we slay. However right now, we have nothing.” Ren would potently argue with the king. 

“...I see, ten gold would be the most I’d be able to award with my authority to any adventurer fulfilling a task appointed by the crown. I’m afraid that is the most I can provide you heroes.” Ren would nod his head. As three of the king’s attendants emerged from the shadows to hand over the gold. 

. . .

“I believe you’re forgetting someone.” The shorter, blond hero would point out to the king. He didn’t like naofumi, his first impression of him was that of a perverted asshole. He REALLY DIDN’T like him.. He almost got outed by him! Still, his underlying sense of hypocritical justice drove him to do this. 

. . .

The king would slowly grind his teeth behind closed lips. “Give the shield hero his funds!”

“Huh?” Naofumi would zone back into reality?

“Were you not paying attention when the king was handing out our funds?” Motoyasu would ask challengingly. 

“No, sorry I was busy reading something.” Aultcry would twitch. 

“You didn’t even introduce yourself either, is that anyway you show respect to royalty!?” Motoyasu got closer, his body posture screaming hostility. 

“I figured It would have been better than listening to the acting ruler of a country that hates me. Three hero’s church? It wasn’t exactly subtle between the glares, and the lack of shield on those church knights’ breastplates.” Naofumi would shrug, taking a small pouch from the attendant. Naofumi knew the weight of the currency of the world. This bag felt lighter than last time. The king must be scrambling if he’s handing out the funds early. He couldn’t keep from twitching in annoyance. 

“You-” Naofumi would ignore whatever he said next. He knew by now how to get under the dick hero’s skin. He despised it when you didn’t meet his ego upfront. Naofumi would turn to Ren, and Itsuki; clearly drawing a line against everyone else in the room and ostracizing himself. “Naofumi Iwatani, 20, college student going for a business degree.” Ren would stare at him knowingly. “Ren Amaki, age 19, recent highschool graduate.” 

“Itsuki Kawasumi, age 18, High school student..” 

‘ _Wasn’t Itsuki supposed to be 17?.. Arcanis and his fucking ‘changes’ for stability._ ’

“So how much money did we get?”

“Ten gold coins.” Ren would answer him, wondering where he was going with this. Naofumi upturned his bag, dumping out 8 silver coins. The king would still, mimicking a marble statue. “Huh, I was expecting to be ripped off, but not by this much.” He turned the bag inside out for good measure. There was stunned silence, except for the one of the guards having a coughing fit, and being glared at by his fellows. Naofumi would walk out of the throne room, leaving a rabid spear hero trying to get his attention, a confused Ren growing in anger, and a hypocritical child that was on the verge of going nuclear and starting a rebellion in the king’s lap. He also left the money on the floor, and stepped on the bag when he dropped it. 

Once he left the throne room, he’d immediately made his way to the nearest window. “Now if I remember, we should be on the second floor. Yeah, my defense should be high enough for this.” Without hesitation, Naofumi would open the window, and jumped out of it and into shrubbery lining an empty courtyard, completely missing the confrontation with a red head who was hurrying after him. 

Naofumi would bite back a yell of pain, from not landing right like an idiot. How he HATED doing this, but he wasn’t going to stick around any longer. He needed to get distance, and fast. He just called out trash in front of the other heroes TWICE. There was no way in hell he was going to not get out of the castle. He couldn’t do much at his present level, but he proceeded to dump all of his mana into both his sprained ankle, and the other one he could feel that had a fracture in it. 

“Fast heal!”

“Fast heal!”

“Fast heal!”

‘ _Only three huh?_ ’ He really couldn’t imagine the other heros taking 20 foot drops like this, and walking it off. ‘ _I guess this shield has its ups, and downs. That fall tanked about 3/4s of my health, at least I got most of it back…_ ’ Naofumi quickly hobbled off. He needed to move fast. He really didn’t know what came over him at the last moment.. He didn’t know where half the shit coming out of his mouth was coming from. Naofumi would stop, and quickly slide through his status magic..

[Blessing of Arcanis(passive/active)

-Tends to fuck with probability.

-Trolling +10 always; You’re an asshole, and proud of it secretly.

-Libido +10 always; You get horny faster.

-Minimum lust +10 always; You’re always slightly horny.

-Virility +40% always, and there is a 3% chance you can reproduce with non-compatible species. 

-You are unable to be raped into having children, and can only conceive a child when having the desire to do so. 

-The spark once belonging to Raphtalia will always be your first born child, along with ‘ _whoever_ ’ else is to be conceived.

???:

???:

‘ _THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT!?!?_ ’ He was going to kill Arcanis, oh he was going to murder him SLOWLY WITHOUT QUESTION. ALMOST ALL OF THIS WAS NOT A PART OF THEIR DEAL. Naofumi’s pending homicidal rampage, dulled down as it was, was cut off by the sound of clanking armor.

‘ _Gotta move gotta move._ ’

He immediately went for the bushes, a classic. A hand covered his mouth as knights went by, their leader shouting orders to find the devil of the shield. A soft feminine voice would tickle his ear. A very familiar voice. “I dare say, the queen was right to post me here. It would be best if you did not scream or fight me, I am not here to harm you. I am an agent of this country’s ruler, Queen Mirellia Q. Melromarc. I will take you to safety.” Naofumi would visibly relax. He knew he was in safe hands. 

The shadow would remove her hand. “ I dare say, you are quite complacent.” 

“You snuck up on me, if you wanted me dead, you would have killed me like the king wants to by now.”

“I dare say, you have a sharp mind, young hero. Still I dare say, I could be lying.”

“Then why deal with the hassle instead of knocking me out?” He’d whisper back hurriedly. He wanted to get out of here. He was still a squishy level one, well squishy for a shielder at least.

“I dare say, you are a smart young hero. Follow me, I will take you to our safe house.” The shadow would pull out an identical cloak and mask as to what she wore, and drape it over him. “I dare say we must hurry, the shadows of the king as incompetent as they are, will soon find us.” She handed him the mask, and he wore it. 

“Isn’t a bush supposed to be obvious?”

“That’s why, I dare say, those idiots will never bother to look here until last.” The shadow had a bit of mirth to her voice, a dry humor that made him smirk. They set down a small brown swirl with a smiley face on it down on the ground. Quickly she would usher the grinning hero forth, using low level earth magic to cover his foot prints. 

She hid it well, but she found kinship, and a disturbing amount of unease in that grin.

. . .

The king’s shadows would eventually find their hiding spot, and the 3D poop emoji. Three of them in total. “Dammit! who the fuck keeps leaving these things all over the place!?” One shadow would reach down to pick up the obviously not made of poop object.

“Hey man don’t it might be one of the ones that-”

“Oh shut up, those haven’t-” He picked it up.

“I made boom boom.”

“Fu-”

The figurine would explode into flaming shit, dousing two of the shadows. The third having wisely jumped back. 

“Both of you are idiots.” the third would state as his companions rolled around on the ground screaming… in garden soil that was regularly infused with cow shit. 

“I hate this job..” The other two would continue screaming.

. . .

Two hours of backtracking.. Skipping over waterways, secret passages, and a drunk dwarf in an alley later they would end up in a tiny little boarded up hovel in the middle of the city slums. Quickly looking around she would pull off a section of the shack with a mutter, and shove the hero inside before putting it back in place. She would then pull up a section of moldy carpeting, and usher a still grinning naofumi down a trap door. 

“So..” he’d whisper.

“Yes, I dare say we can talk normally. The password to this place is _I dare say, I dare say the king is an idiot_. Whisper it softly right before pulling off the wall of the shack.” The shadow would hurry him down a dirt tunnel into a cleaned stone chamber dimly lit by pale yellow orbs. Several beds would be stacked along the walls, crates of supplies lying here and there. “I dare say this is one of the hidden barracks for the Queen’s shadows. For the time being we can keep you here. Should this place be found, we won't have much to lose.. Most of the important things have been taken, or are stored elsewhere.” 

“Is that the shield hero I dare say?” A gruffer female voice would call out in the room. 

“I dare say it is sister.”

“Sister, have things gotten that bad since I have taken my nap, I dare say?”

“I dare say they have gotten so, sister.”

“The queen will not be happy with the king I dare say.”

“I dare say, you are correct, sister.”

“Sister, the king is an idiot I dare say sister.”

“Sister, I dare say you state the obvious, go the fuck to sleep.”

“You are quite bitchy sister, I dare say.”

Naofumi would slowly gain a bigger, and bigger sweat drop the longer this conversation went on.. It was really starting to give him a headache.

“I dare say they fell for it again.”

There would be no more talking after that, just giggling, and then silence.

“So how am I going to get out of the city?..”

“For now, I dare say, you will sleep, or twiddle your thumbs. I cannot move you until their search patterns become more widespread. Keeping you safe, and hidden is a priority right now.”

“So..”

“I dare say, you are safe here. Not many of us are present, but the queen has left a total of ten level 80 shadows behind in order to.. Clean up after the king. I will be sending one of my sisters with you on your journey. Help yourself to anything lying around, unless it is under a bed, those are personal belongings. Now if you excuse me… I haven’t bathed in four days..” Hurriedly the shadow would take off leaving our protagonist on his own, who REALLY did not want to hear that piece of information.

The Otaku, now hero, would sigh heavily, heading for one of the beds. 

“Sir hero, the beds are not made to be slept in, they are all death traps I dare say.” Naofumi would pause in an awkward semi-squat.

“What!?”

“Sir hero, the love seat in the corner is not trapped I dare say.”

“..Where do you all sleep then? And where the hell are you?” Naofumi look around, he didn’t notice them earlier, and certainly didn’t now that he was looking about.

“A real shadow sleeps in darkness, I daresay.” He wouldn’t get anything else after that.

‘ _Talk about edgy…_ ’

He found the love seat, it was lumpy but not unbearable. He flopped across it, and let his mind race, and wander. 

He would have the chance to do something, the non-stop demands that had been piled on him since he REMEMBERED, and was THRUST into the beginning of this farce.. He could finally think without something distracting him, and he hated it. 

He hated Medea, the king, Malty.. And everyone else that was the cause of so much of his grief. He wanted to wrap his hands around Arcanis’s neck and wring it even though he would end up evaporating into the air, or something. Most of all he thought about how much he wanted to STAB A BITCH. Then he remembered something, and pulled up his status magic to look at his skills..

[Error 404: Spirit talk: Don’t talk out loud, people will think you’re crazy.

Lets you talk to spirits that you have an affinity with.]

‘ _..Hello?_ ’

A notification would go off.

[Hello hero.]

Naofumi would jump.

‘ _The hell!?_ ’

[No I’m not.]

‘ _I thought you could talk outside of me going into the shield?_ ’

[Normally yes, then you met The Father of Magic, and he apparently shoved this glyph into the shield’s matrix.]

‘ _So?.._.’

[I sense your desire. No, you can’t stab a bitch.] Anger would run through him.

‘ _WHY, WHY CAN’T I AT LEAST STAB AT LEAST ONE FUCKING BITCH!?’_

[Break a spear, and put it into the shield when you can. You can only do this with one of the weapon types of cardinal heroes. The spear should give you sufficient reach for your goal.]

‘...’

No matter how much he prodded, insulted, begged, lied, and threatened he couldn’t get anything else out the shield spirit. He felt freezing cold, the cold felt good.. But it would slowly ebb away. 

“Fuck the shield spirit..”

A grumpy naofumi would look at his state page.

[[Naofumi Iwatani]

Gender: Male

Race: Human ++

Job: Shield hero, Places modifier that exchanges attack for defense. 

Stats:

HP: (231/242)

MP: (89/92)

SP: (157/157)

Atk: 3

Def: 26

Mind: 11

Spirit: 16

Would you like to switch to the updated system?

[YES/NO]]

Naofumi would stare at the screen for several minutes. His attack stat was triple, TRIPLE WHAT IT SHOULD BE COMPARED TO LAST TIME. He giggled, breaking out into full blown yakuza laughter like an edgelord on an ego high after trouncing someone on a forum with a half assed argument. He would have an erection. He would thoroughly disturb the shadow that recently fell asleep, and was now awake and clutching a kunai desperately. 

Giggling like a very disturbed school girl he would click [YES]. His stats would change, making him almost shit himself until he noticed a button in the corner that let him switch back and forth.

[[Naofumi Iwatani]

Gender: Male

Race: Human(modified)

Job: Shield hero, Places modifier that exchanges attack for defense. 

Stats:

HP: (231/242)

MP: (89/92)

SP: (157/157)

Lust: (27/100)

Str: 71

Sta: 80

Speed: 52

Dex: 49

Flex: 90(max)

Int: 42

Libido: 22

Will: 67]

‘ _This explains so much, because I don’t think these stats are normal for a level one human. No wonder I’ve felt lighter, and energetic since I woke up.._ ’

He clicked on the hyperlink next to human in his stat page. All he got was;

[Error processing, calculations incomplete

Would you like to be notified upon completion?

[YES/NO]]

He slammed the yes button, getting a pained ping from the magic. Yes, yes he would very much like to know what those sexual deviants did to his body.

Naofumi would move on to other things.. Namely the weird ass shields he got.

[Iron bracer:

Defense: +3

Abilities: Increase maneuverability. and flexibility compared to other shields at the cost of area of protection.]

When he changed to it, it was nothing noticeable. It looked more like a guantle with a fingerless brown leather glove woven into it. It was even more discreet than his old book shield.. It was perfect for hiding, nothing else really. 

[Error 404: Potato gun shield

Defense: +1

Ability: Indiscriminately launches objects that fit within it snuggly, according to the laws of physics. Objects so long as they are not affected by any other ability of the shield hero, will retain their original effects without the shield hero's modifier affecting it.]

Naofumi would giggle, then laugh again. The shadow would cling to their kunai more tightly, a shiver of fear running down their back as the shield hero lost his damn mind, and went full blown mental patient. 

He could attack! HE! COULD! ATTACK! WITH! THIS! 

Naofumi would pause. “Where am I going to get stuff to launch with it.. I could get some round vials from the apothecary. Yeah that might do it. Most potions.. Mm..” He’d stop to ponder on it, and decided to mess with it later. Really what he wanted to get was some bombs to launch with it. Bombs sounded like a good idea. 

[I don’t approve of this shield.]

“Shut up, no one asked you, and you’re not my father.”

The shadow was vvvveeeerrrryyyy disturbed at this point.

When he switched to the shield it looked like a bunch of PVC pine on a square of plywood with pressure gages, and a magic orb. It was crude, ugly, and he COULD LAUNCH BOMBS IF HE EVER GOT ANY WHO GIVES A DAMN HOW IT LOOKED. The hero of petty revenges would giggle insanely again. His curse, his long suffering inability to FUCKING KILL SOMEONE, OR ANYTHING HAD A LOOPHOLE. It wasn’t perfect, he knew it wasn’t given how the shield’s ability was described. STILL WHO GIVES A DAMN.

[Error 404: Ghost shield, unlocked for 72 hours.

Defense: +0

Effects on Equip:  
-Immunity to physical attacks   
-Received magic damage doubled.   
-Stealth: +20   
-Invisibility   
-Selective intangibility] 

This would be damn broken.. But it was only unlocked for 72 hours.. Correction 67 hours at this point. He’d come back to this in just a bit.. He had some ideas of how to use it already..

The shield icon in the menu was a classic cartoonish looking ghost that looked like it was drawn by a preschooler. ‘ _I feel mocked_.’

[Cursed Series: Shield of lust II, variant: You’re sexy and you know it.

Defense: +6

Abilities:   
-Anyone who looks at you becomes more aroused the longer that they do so, until they can’t keep their hands off of you, and themselves.   
-Turns pain into pleasure.

Skills:  
Eldritch Carnival: Summons an eldritch maw of flailing penises, and foul smelling aphrodisiacs to brutally fuck their way through anyone unfortunate to fall victim to it.   
Starving Flowers: Calls a mass of hungry vines that latch onto the genitalia of their victims, and drain them until they have nothing left. Users can be affected by this.

Curse: Users will be affected by an inability to orgasm, severe erectile dysfunction, extreme amounts of lust, and aching swollen blue balls (if any).]

‘ _I don’t like this shield, I don’t like the curse, I don’t like any of this. That first skill sounds like Cthulhu eating someone with their ass.._ ’

The Icon looked like the groin of a man filled with flailing tentacles.

[Cursed Series: Shield of wrath II variant: Cold, cold against the world. Lovely desolation is it not? The march of white misery in a field of corpses.

Defense: +12

Abilities:  
-The user does not feel anything other than cold rage gnawing away at their soul when equipped.

Skills:  
-Cold aura(passive): The more anger, combined with sorrow/depression the user feels the greater the aura, and temperature drop. Damage received by fire magic increases with aura’s effects. The longer the user has this shield equipped the larger its area of effect will grow in accordance with the user’s present level. ((lvl)x10)= (?)ft.   
-Ashes Remain: Nothing, nothing but, white. This land shall be carved into purity. No reason, just shattered dreams, and broken hearts.

Curse: The user will suffer from permanent albinism that progressively grows in intensity the more the shield is used. Body temperature will plummet to varying degrees of lethality, and users will become emotionless until the curse runs its course.]

Naofumi would stare fearfully at the description. ‘ _Maybe the lust shield isn’t so bad after all.. This thing is just brutal, brutal in a way the original wasn’t._ ’ A chill would sweep its way through his body as he re-called Raphtalia when she saved him from his original wrath shield. If he lost himself this time, he might actually die from the curse. 

The Icon was white, nothing but, a pale daring opal color that would burn his eyes with searing cold. He frantically shifted the menu away from it.

[Error 404: Metamorph shield, unlocked forcefully.

Defense: +0

Abilities: Lets the user change their race, and appearance according to the genetic material they have acquired so long as the samples are from sentient races. SP cost may vary per race, and per bodypart.

Note: The human menu, and basic coloration menu are only available at present with most of the genetic variations locked. ]

Naofumi switched to it. The shield would be a flesh colored gelatinous disc. It looked gross, it felt gross, and jiggled constantly like a fat person’s flab. He did his best not to gag. Most of the menu was filled with question marks. ‘ _So I probably have to shove samples of different races into here._ ’ Naofumi would sigh, and pull up his inventory after a moment. Arcanis did say something about items he could add to the shield.. The young man found several vials of cum, and blood in stock. ‘ _Okay, this is seriously fucking gross._ ’ Thank god there was a selection option next to each one to dump them into his shield. He REALLY did not want to handle that shit with his hands. Who knows what diseases could be in it..

[Metamorph Shield: Incubus race unlocked!]

[Metamorph Shield: Minotaur race unlocked!]

[Metamorph Shield: Cat-man race unlocked!]

[Metamorph Shield: Coloration menu selection has expanded! Patterns have been added!]

Browsing through the menus, most of the racial changes cost 200, or more SP per body part. He could mess around with this later. More notably the eyes the ‘cat eyes’ he could get. The menu listed night vision as an ability under them. The demon eyes from the incubus race apparently let him see soul auras, and SP.. He wasn’t comfortable with seeing someone’s soul. The night vision was about all he needed. It would have been a life savior the last time around. 

He guessed it was time to take full stock of the inventory. This was starting to become tedious.

[Inventory:

1x Dispenser of sealed memory vials: Will deposit memory collections of certain individuals in the inventory as needed. This item cannot be accessed or used. *Upon reading this message the user will receive notifications when a memory vial becomes available. 

1x Memory vial of Trash

1x Memory vial of Motoyasu Kitamura

1x Memory vial of Itsuki Kawasumi

10x Lust Draft: Low grade aphrodisiac, overdosing will cause a spontaneous orgasm.

10x Fuck Draft: Mid-grade aphrodisiac, overdosing will cause a spontaneous orgasm. 

1x Twunkard: A sealed tankard of light beer. Causes the user regardless of gender, and race so long it has an applicable male sex, to gain a slender, and muscular masculine physique with a touch of femininity, superhuman libido, suffer from a constant state of semi-arousal, increase in anal sensitivity, and inhuman reproductive capability. Male genitalia are PERMANENT, they will grow back no matter the attempts made by the drinker to remove them, back to the minimum appropriate levels of masculinity defined in the formula. Mental side effects include but are not limited to, a sharp decrease in intelligence, persistent/constant thoughts about sex, desires to have sex, constant arousing thoughts, thoughts of lifting, thoughts of working out, bisexuality, and switch mentality.

5x Debimbo+: Removes all present negative mental status effects, and causes a sharp gain in intelligence so long as the user is suffering from an ailment that dulls their wit. *Developed by Rathazul in his final days after the champions freed Mareth in his research to heal, and free Goblins of their libidos.   
  
50x Man-up bear: Causes muscle gains, and shifts the user’s outward gender identity excluding genitalia to be more masculine. Warning: Can cause body hair growth.

1x Elite Bimbo Liqueur: An improved, and more insidious version of bimbo liqueur originally developed by the demons of Mareth. Causes the drinker to attain a slutty, hyper feminine, short hourglass figure body with large F cup breasts, and an ass that would make men sing their praises to their gods. A super human libido, inhuman fertility, and a state of constant arousal will also be attained on consumption. Proportion changes, and feminine genitalia are PERMANENT, and cannot be removed like Bimo Liquer’s counterpart BroBrew. Mental side effects are included, but not limited to: Attaining of either a submissive or dominant personality, a constant desire to fuck, thoughts of fucking, thottery, bisexuality, and an exobitionism fetish. 

(Thought at some point you might want to shove this down that bitch’s throat, or the spear hero’s if he gets to be too much of a jackass when he eventually finds out. 

~Arcanis)

50x Ration bars in random fruit flavors: Basic caloric intake for high performance athletes. 

600x Muli-vitamins: Daily dose of basic goodness

10x Black silk jockstraps

1x Specially enchanted cup

3x Tentacle monster seeds

1x Mysterious egg

1x Spell scroll: Glitter Fart: For those times when you can’t put up with people’s bullshit, and want to watch them lose their minds over something stupid. *Will be automatically learned upon reading this message.]

[Prank spell learned! Glitter fart! Allows the user to fart a random color of magic particles from their ass. Can blind opponents if aimed right. Beware of sharting when overpowering this spell!]

Naofumi would have had it. He snapped, he finally snapped despite the status effect trying to keep him calm. He ranted, he raved, he damned Medea, Myne, Arcanis, and every other thing he could think of in ways that would make a demon blush. He went off on a thunderous verbal tirade that had his escort rush back into the room with all but a towel, and mask to cloak her form. She would stare at the sight before her. The shield hero would be foaming at the mouth in pure unadulterated triggered rage over the sheer stupidity, and perverted bullshit thrust into his lap over, and over. The shield spirit couldn’t keep up with the translation as Naofumi entered another level of profanity, and logic that it did not comprehend. American english would mix with Japanese in one mutated strain of gibberish that sounded like he was speaking tongues.

The shadow would knock him out, and tie him to couch.

“.....Sister... he scares me I dare say..”

“I dare say sister.. He scared me as well.”

“There was so much laughing, I dare say.”

“I dare say are you alright sister?”

“No, no I am not. I am freaking the fuck out I dare say.”

“..I dare say…”

. . . 

Aultcry Melromarc XXXII was not having a good day. He was miserable. First some sort of hybrid demi-human got summoned with the heroes, most likely the shield hero. It then ran right through the royal palace stealing several undergarments right off of the staff, and guards. Set fire to MANY of Melromarc’s historical tapestries, and artworks displayed in the castle. Blew up a lavatory causing the plumbing, and magic to fail, and sending a flood of sewage down the main corridor of the political focal point of the kingdom. Assaulted the fucking pope, and mocked him. Who is now demand ridiculous reparations since this happened because ‘his’ castle guards were incompetent. Caused another explosion that left a smiley face in the main courtyard of the castle! Traumatized many… many of the male knights in the barracks.. And most of this happened while he was dealing WITH THESE SPOILED CHILDREN, AND THE DEVIL!!

The worst part is, they couldn’t understand a damn thing the fish demi-human was saying most of the time. Aultcry felt like it was mocking them. It felt more fitting even more so when it began walking, and running around on toddler sized legs that seemed bigger than hours before.. It felt like a fact when it took off the diaper it wore and shoved it into the face of the knight commander. 

Aultcry right now felt old, he felt his age now more than ever. Anything he came up with to deal with, or capture the beast after the disastrous negotiations with the heroes always ended up blowing up in his face. Right now it was running rampant through the entirety of the capital. Most of the city, and castle guards having to devote their time to the impossible task of catching it as opposed to the shield hero at this point. The property damage just kept GROWING. He could hear it, the tinkling of gold leaving the vaults of the castle, and Mirellia leering over him like the goddess of death she was.

‘ _That damn shield hero! THAT DAMN DEVIL OF THE SHIELD. THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT. EVERYTHING WAS GOING PERFECTLY, I ALMOST HAD THE OTHER THREE IN MY HANDS!!_ ’ The servant that handed the shield hero their gold was in the dungeons right now. If only they realized their plans to fuck over the shield hero could have waited a few more hours.. even days! They almost caused the entire situation to blow up in his face! ‘ _Damn three heroes church worshippers! Those zealots are all so single minded. It’s a pain in the ass to find them too._ ’

After the devil dumped everything onto the floor.. It did not go so well. He had to lie, bullshit, and scheme on his feet for over 4 hours against the heroes. He almost got caught MANY times.. And even then they only parted on a TENTATIVE relationship between the heroes, and the kingdom. Even then it was obvious they didn’t believe half the shit he said and they thought he was less than dirt. The bow hero was especially aggravating to go against in the debate. The shortest of them was relentless when it came to any sort of injustice, or inconsistency in his argument. The Sword hero was less talkative, but far more observant and ruthless. The spear hero was bored… The later he didn’t know whether to consider a blessing, or a curse that Sir Motoyasu was an idiotic sex addict. It made him easy to manipulate, to deal with.. It also made him denser than brick.

The king would sigh heavily. Right now his biggest concern was figuring out how to save his ass from Mirellia. He did not have his usual erection from thinking about what she would do to him. This time it wasn’t from age. No, right now he was terrified of how badly she was going to beat the shit out of him when she came back. 

‘ _...I want to go back to faubley. Death by cannon fire will be less painful._ ’

. . .

Itsuki was livid, he was cranky, he was mad at the injustice in this world. Despite the shield hero being a jackass, what just happened just wasn’t FAIR. The childish hero would fume to himself in the room the king provided. Tomorrow they were supposed to get their party members.. He was hesitant to work with the mercenaries that the king handpicked.. Especially after the sheer amount of bullshit he spewed out.

. . .

She wanted to go home. Ren sighed as she reclined into a luxurious private bath in her room. She had a very bad feeling that this was going to be the only bath she could take in the next several weeks. There was an even greater feeling she had in her. The King, he was a liar, a blowhard, and full of shit. As soon as she gets the chance to, she’s going to ditch her party, and leave all of them behind. The sword hero really did not want to get caught up in the bigotry, and bullshit. The king said there were other countries.. But they did use the heroes to make ‘powerful children’ apparently. She had to research that soon. 

If anything, Naofumi was right to flee the castle. How he got away she had no idea. It was like he expected to be scorned, and treated like shit. It was odd she thought while sinking deeper into the bath trying to enjoy it as much as possible. “Either he has been treated like shit his entire life, is highly observant, or is paranoid as fuck.” The chess pieces would shift, jump, and slide in her mind as she tried to puzzle out the shield hero, and recent events. 

“One thing is for certain, the spear hero, and king are both idiots.”

(Author: I dare say *cough*)

. . .

Motoyasu was in his room fapping. He was rutting both of his hands like a dog in heat. Head tilted over the back of his chair, feet on the arm rests of the plush furniture, as he arched his back with a loud shameless moan. Sweat would glisten across naked form as his abs tensed, and rippled. “F-fuck yes!” A pair of heavy testes lurched powerfully between his legs as his eyes rolled back into his skull.. He came, and then fell out of his awkward position mid-orgasm. Cum would sparkle in the light from the sunset worming its way through the opened window in a warm yellow light. A dopey grin would be on his face as he fell back down to earth. He impacted it head first, leaving his body sprawled out on the floor, knocked out, and covered in his own semen. 

The maids of the castle would find him like that in the morning when they attended him. King Aultcry would have to pay a lot of hush money to cover it up in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pre-punishment Aultcry isn’t exactly the brightest, and Malty is a dumb cunt either way. One is clouded by hate, another is just a petty air headed white girl. The former also never knew of Malty’s plan from what I recall cannon wise. 
> 
> As for those expecting smut, expect more story than fucking. Smut is nice, porn is nice, but I’m not writing nothing but porn. There will be fucking, there will be kinky shit going down eventually. Most of it is going to be the weird kind. Maybe Shield-Bro will get two lovers, but I’m not making this sex centric despite heavily tying in elements from corruption of champions. Most of it is going to be comedic. Also in the web novel I recall him being a bit of a prudel. So yeah, comedy.
> 
> Also trying to figure out how to juggle perspectives in this chapter without delving too much into the whole ‘omnipotent perspective thing’ too much… I think I bombed it. MERP. Also conversations with more than two people are a bitch to write out. 
> 
> Also I’m getting tired of using it. It’s all so very annoying.. 
> 
> Also, fo those that read these... I am looking for Betas in case anyone is interested.


End file.
